My Hair Journey Series:
Part 2: From Mistreating My Hair
to Protecting Hers
"I became my daughter’s 'hair protector', ensuring she was always surrounded with positive images of curly, brown hair in dolls as well as books, and that no damage came to her healthy curls."
~ Erika Alicea
Growing up in my immediate family, I was the only one with curly hair, which meant that in the 80’s, it was a frizzy, hot mess. During that awkward middle school stage, I started to become more self-conscious about my looks and wanted to be like everyone else. There was never a reflection of my brown curls on TV, in books or magazines. It was mostly blond, straight hair.
I attended a predominantly African-American private school and all my friends there got their hair chemically straightened with a relaxer. Naturally, I went to the beauty parlor to get my hair relaxed too.
“Pero no lo necesitas (But you don’t need it),” Rosa, my mom’s Dominican hair stylist, told me. But I insisted. What else was I supposed to do? My mom sure didn’t know how to manage my seemingly confused curls, so unlike what I perceived to be her calm and obedient hair.
That was the beginning of me trying to “control” my hair. I piled on the gel, the mousse and hairspray all throughout high school and college. After years of blow drying and flat ironing my hair, I eventually lost my curls. It became more manageable and I was pleased with it…until I became a mom to a little girl with beautiful, brown curls.
My Daughter
When I first laid eyes on my baby girl, one of the first thoughts I had was: “She has my mother’s caramel complexion!”
I knew from that moment, I wanted my daughter to LOVE her caramel skin that turns cinnamon when sun-kissed in the summer.
And as she grew, I wanted her to also love the beautiful, dark curls the Lord had blessed her with, the same curls I had spent years straightening on my own head, conforming to society’s standards of beauty.
You see, my daughter and I aren’t biologically related but the one thing we have very similar is our hair texture and our curls…or at least we would’ve had if I hadn’t damaged my hair in my youth.
My desire to connect with my daughter in a physical trait, as well as my excessive amounts of hair loss, caused me to begin a new chapter in going natural. I started with a “reboot” and a significant amount of my hair was cut off. I stopped flat ironing my hair and refrained from using harmful products. I began taking hair vitamins and used similar hair practices that my niece, Natasha, shared in Part 1: “Learning to Love All of Me” of this series. With time, my hair began to return to the original curls God had designed for me. Despite the extremely slow process of regaining healthy hair, I finally began embracing my hair. But it literally took losing it first to recognize its beauty.
Hair Protector
As a mother, one hope of many was to prevent my daughter from having the experience I had growing up as a Latina during the 80’s when I felt invisible—invisible in books, on TV, and even with Barbies, which I wrote about in another post as well as in a poem.
As a result, I was super intentional in carefully selecting quality books, TV shows, and toys that reflected her outward beauty in various ways, including her hair. I became my daughter’s “hair protector”, ensuring she was always surrounded with positive images of curly, brown hair in dolls and books, and that no damage came to her healthy curls.
So when I saw this SIS (So In Style) Barbie line while shopping in K-mart one day, I knew “Trichelle”, with her gorgeous brown skin and curls, had to be my daughter’s first Barbie!
“Trichelle” reminded me so much of my beautiful niece, Natasha, that I renamed her “Tasha” before gifting it to my then 3 year old.
Of course, I had to get my niece her own little replica of herself. Tasha was already in her early twenties but was almost in tears when she saw her own reflection in a Barbie doll. Why? Because #RepresentationMatters.
As Natasha writes in Part 1, watching the “I Love My Hair” video on Sesame Street had such an impact on her although she was already an adult. It was affirmation my niece had longed for all her life. At that time, my daughter was just a year old so when Natasha shared the video with me, I instantly began to show it to my daughter. I also had the song on our iPod playlist so my girl grew up hearing this form of affirmation
Self-Care
My daughter is now the age I once was when I began to make unwise hair decisions. I look at her hair, so healthy and curly, full of volume and life, and wish my hair could return to its former glory.
To some, it may sound vain and trivial. But at the end of the day, when you look in your mirror, you want to be happy with what you see.
Yes, I know who I am in Christ and His love for me ALWAYS fills my heart with hope in whatever circumstance I’m in. I AM complete in Him and this is the truth I’m instilling in my daughter.
But He also created me in a unique fashion, which includes my hair, and I didn’t do a good job caring for what He had given to me. When I was younger, my error was in mistreating my hair out of conformity. In my later years, it was sheer neglect from fatigue and focus on ministry, marriage, and motherhood.
As women, we often have no idea what self-care means because we’re so busy caring for everyone else’s needs.
Where once my curls were fully restored, I am now slowing re-starting at square one. In essence, I’m getting back to self-care because what good am I to others if I don’t care for myself first? How can I minister effectively if I am not spiritually AND physically fit to run this race? What am I modeling for my daughter if I don’t regard my own well-being?
Ladies, you are God’s temple. Rest in Him who restores all aspects of His creation and take care of the beautiful temple He’s given to you. And remember, our kids are watching and will emulate many of our ways, including self-care (or the lack of).
"Pelo Bueno" (Good Hair)
In Spanish, “pelo malo” means “bad hair”, which in our Latino culture is often directed at curly or natural hair. Nellie, my friend and The Art of Color Study partner, created an awesome shirt (see shirt below) that flips this demeaning phrase into an empowering message that “ALL HAIR IS GOOD” regardless of texture or type of curls. Hence, the phrase “Pelo Bueno” = “Good Hair”. (You can purchase this shirt on Nellie’s Etsy Shop: Nelarte.)
She was my 1st friend to go natural & inspired so many of us to do the same.
I believe the legendary actress Cicely Tyson best defines the idea of “good hair” and its historical context in her memoir Just As I Am:
“Over centuries we were taught to disregard ourselves, a habit we are still unlearning. How I hope that we can. And while striving to do so, I also pray we can begin defining ourselves for ourselves, dismissing the three hundred years of a Eurocentric beauty standard hovering over us. As gorgeous as our locks appear, as powerfully as they express our artistic genius, as often as they’ve been used as a barometer of our politics, our hair is not truly who we are. We are defined not by what grows from our heads, but what flows from our hearts. That is our greatest testimony. Our hair may be our crown, yet a life of love and service is our real glory. So as we navigate our journey, let us graciously make space for one another. Whether you relax it or coil it, weave it or dread it, cover it with a wig or cut it plumb off, the choice is yours. Good hair is your hair—however you decide to wear it.”
-Cicely Tyson (Just as I Am, 191-192)
Perfectly expressed Ms. Tyson! “Good hair is your hair!”
Conclusion
Now that my daughter is older, there are times she wants her hair straightened. However, I do my best to present healthier options and point out how every inch of her is a masterpiece created by the Maker of Heaven & Earth, including her hair. She’s learning to embrace her curls too!
Recently, she asked for frosted tips on her hair. I struggled with this decision at first, but then remembered how highlights brightened up my curls and encouraged me to leave it curly more often. So we gave her the okay and my best friend (her godmother) did an amazing job on her hair! They really make her curls “pop” and my girl continues to love her hair more and more each day.
5 Children's Books on
Celebrating Natural, Curly Hair
It fills my heart with so much joy to see many books now being written that celebrate natural, curly hair. Below I’ve highlighted 5 exceptional books that I highly recommend.
A wise neighbor guides a young girl, who's being bullied over her hair, in appreciating and caring for her hair using the metaphor of the woman's beautiful garden. (Comes with tips and recipes to help care for black hair.)
A grandmother lovingly explains to her granddaughter the beauty of her "afro", sharing stories of their family and helping to instill pride in her natural hair. (This book is only in Spanish.)
A tender story showcasing a father's love for his daughter and her hair that "has a mind of its own". Sweet and empowering message to love your natural hair.
A poetic celebration of curly hair between 2 friends who, together, enjoy all the inspirational stories their hair tells.
Though not specifically focusing on hair, this lyrical book celebrates so much of what makes brown beautiful, encouraging others to love everything about themselves, from their skin to their hair.
Dolls of Color
For those interested in dolls of color with various hair types, Colours of Us created an extensive list of over 150 multicultural dolls and puppets with links of where they can be purchased.
Apparel that Celebrate Natural Curly Hair Owned by Women of Color
These 2 beautiful ladies have various apparel and more that were created to empower and celebrate the beauty of natural hair. The pictures below are just a snippet of what they have on their shop.
Please support them if you can. Thank you!